


a little love goes a long way, and are we so very distant?

by dashery



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Anonymity, Chatlogs, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Humor, M/M, Online Dating, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-07 12:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15219404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dashery/pseuds/dashery
Summary: Ignis's family is worried about his work-life balance, and the boys offer him a solution only they could come up with: Get a friendly stranger to pretend to be his fake boyfriend. Get all the fun of online dating with none of the commitment. Get his family off his back. Instead of telling them to get lost, Ignis surprises all of them--and himself--by playing along.What Ignis doesn't know is that the guys set "Pax's" account up together, intending to share the effort of Making Iggy Have Fun three ways. Despite his best intentions, he starts to fall for this insightful, easy-going listener who carries nothing of the weight of the crown.What Prompto knows too well is that it's always more attractive to be someone you're not.





	1. Open (Mating) Season

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't given up on It Is in Shedding Grace, but I've had this more light-hearted story in my head for months now. Hope you enjoy!

Ignis burned dinner, so as soon as the balcony door was open to air the apartment out, Noctis turned to stare a hole into the side of his face.

“Apologies,” Ignis muttered, doing whatever magical kitchen things he needed to save the fish.

Noct stared more meaningfully. “Are you _dying?”_

Ignis’s mouth twitched. “Assuredly not. It was a simple mistake, Noct.”

“Did your dog die? Your hamster? Your, I don’t know, your naked dwarf bulette?”

“The only helpless creature arguably in my care,” said Ignis dryly, removing blackened salmon skin with surgical exactness, “would require far fewer loads of washing and ironing, were he a naked dwarf anything. Never mind the _royal_ expense of his dry cleaning.”

Noctis didn’t realize he’d gone silent until Ignis looked up. “Noct?”

“Is it my dad?”

“Ah, no. No, it’s nothing like that.” Ignis sighed and snuck his fingers under his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. Noct relaxed slightly; if it were something actually serious, Iggy would be solemn, not half-exasperated like this. “It’s just… my uncle. And no, he isn’t dying, either. I was only thinking about something he said to me over lunch the other day. Ruminating, I suppose.”

Okay. Not Dad. Calming down, Noct sunk back into the couch and loosened his tie. “Must’ve been some ‘something’ to get to you this bad, Specs.”

“It won’t happen again,” he said quickly, not looking away from his cooking.

A beat passed, and another, and then Noct leaned all the way forward in his seat, squinting as hard as he could, one undone end of his tie in either hand. “Are you _embarrassed?”_ he asked, astounded.

“I—certainly not. What do I have to be embarrassed about?” Ignis turned abruptly from the pan to retrieve plates and glasses with way more clatter than was strictly necessary, and Noct felt his eyes widen.

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Specs.”

Ignis pushed said spectacles up his nose and walked briskly past with his serving tray. “I’ve no idea what you could be on about,” he grumbled.

“You just ended a sentence with two prepositions in a row. You never do that.” Noctis got close enough to put his hand on the tray and pushed it down on the kitchen counter, trapping it there with their dishes loaded up. Intense now, he leaned in. “Spill.”

Caught, Ignis balked and started to sputter some kind of excuse. Noct leaned further in, and he sighed. “Uncle merely… expressed his concern. That I’m ‘too young’ to be ‘married’ to my job.” Like a displeased maid, he swept Noct’s hands off the tray and escorted it smartly to the dining table. Under his breath, he added, “Never mind it’s hardly my fault your upkeep’s become such a domestic proposition.”

Noct waited, then followed Ignis to the table. He crossed his arms, bent to the side so he could see Iggy’s face, and raised his brows just a hair.

After six years’ training with the Crownsguard, it took a whole five slow seconds for Ignis to crack. He was too refined to hiss through his teeth, but he still managed to make it sound like each word had to be dragged out of him with fishhooks. “And he _suggested_ that I might be well served to find a… a mate. As an outlet, of sorts. So I don’t spend all of my waking hours in service to the Crown—just most of them.”

For some moments, the only sound was the quiet tinkle of silverware finding table.

“A. Mate?”

“His word. Not mine,” said Ignis, and six years with the Crownsguard couldn’t do anything against the color that spread faintly down the back of his neck.

They sat down to dinner, the two of them, in silence, and Noct managed to hold it long enough to eat half his salmon before he finally put his head down to laugh.

\---

**promptothenightfurry:** omg a MATE???!!!?!!??1? ﾉｼ(*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ ﾉｼ(*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ ﾉｼ(*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ  
 **promptothenightfurry:** LMAOOOOOOOO!!  
 **promptothenightfurry:** does he think iggy’s a bird or something?? Omglololol.  
 **fisherprince:** i kno lol  
 **promptothenightfurry:** like is his hair a mating crest or what?  
 **promptothenightfurry:** plumage???  
 **promptothenightfurry:** noct help i’m dyingnngngn  
 **RespectThePecs:** The conversation’s even better with Prompto’s nick like that  
 **promptothenightfurry:** noct won’t change it back to something normal!!  
 **RespectThePecs:** Iggy’s uncle’s right, though  
 **fisherprince:** what  
 **promptothenightfurry:** whaaaaaaat?  
 **RespectThePecs:** When I go home, I leave the job behind  
 **RespectThePecs:** I eat dinner, play with Iris  
 **RespectThePecs:** Catch up with my old man  
 **fisherprince:** ya  
 **fisherprince:** same?  
 **RespectThePecs:** Iggy doesn’t do that  
 **RespectThePecs:** When he leaves the office, he goes to you  
 **promptothenightfurry:** (ó﹏ò｡)  
 **RespectThePecs:** Even when he doesn’t, he’s fixing your shirts or prepping your meetings  
 **RespectThePecs:** Shit like that  
 **fisherprince:** oh  
 **fisherprince:** so u think ignis should date some1?  
 **RespectThePecs:** Oh hell no, I think he should get LAID  
 **promptothenightfurry:** omggGG  
 **RespectThePecs:** Shake those tailfeathers at a nice peacock, if you know what I mean  
 **fisherprince:** nononono  
 **RespectThePecs:** Aw, your virgin eyes. Can’t take a little hypothetical yiffing in the chat, Princess? That’s racist against Prompto  
 **fisherprince:** ya im changing promptos nick

// **promptothenightfurry** is now nicknamed **noctsbetterfriend** // 

**noctsbetterfriend:** awwwwwwwwwwwwww! you do care (●♡∀♡)  
**RespectThePecs:** Yeah see, I thought that said “Noct’s butt friend” so your mileage may vary  
**fisherprince:** y do we let u in here  
**RespectThePecs:** Wouldn’t know your beak from your behind without me ;)  
**RespectThePecs:** Anyway, dinner’s ready here. Iris cooked, can’t miss it  
**noctsbetterfriend:** later gladio!!  
**fisherprince:** get outta here 

// **RespectThePecs** is offline.// 

**noctsbetterfriend:** i should go too, didn’t realize it was so late! can't believe i haven’t eaten yet  
**fisherprince:** prompto wait  
**noctsbetterfriend:** ??  
**fisherprince:** i got his mating call  
**fisherprince:** ignis  
**noctsbetterfriend:** omg  
**fisherprince:** ............  
**fisherprince:** ...  
**fisherprince:** .  
**noctsbetterfriend:** waiting on the edge of my seat here bro!!  
**fisherprince:** ive come up w a new recipeep  
**noctsbetterfriend:** omF  
**fisherprince:** u kno  
**fisherprince:** chicks dig it  
**noctsbetterfriend:** KGKL:’;FK!!! 

\---

They cleared the chat history, of course. Ignis never checked between eight and ten. None of them knew what he did during that time—Gladio suggested trashy reality TV, Prompto thought he must be learning fifteen languages at once, and Noct had money riding on masked vigilantism—but they didn’t look a gift chocobo in the mouth. Late evening was their time, and their time was precious and full of stupid, hideous gossip.

The strongest friendships were built on just these kinds of bricks.

\---

**noctsbetterfriend:** hey though why don’t we set him up with someone just for fun? 


	2. Affording Standards? In This Economy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bros trade notes and hatch their nefarious plan. Ignis tries to make an omelette of it before it gets off the ground. Everyone kind of wishes they were Ig-date material. No one makes the cut--alone.

“It can’t be anyone from the Citadel.”

Noct threw his notepad down and his arms up, leaning back. “I’m out, then. That’s everyone I know.”

Prompto tilted his head at Gladio upside-down from where he was sprawled over the armrest of Noct’s couch. To make room for Noct, he had to stretch his legs over the back of it. “What’s wrong with people from the Citadel?”

Gladio grunted and shook his head. “They’re too close to him. The point is to get Iggy to loosen up, take his mind off the job. Can’t do it if he’s dating the job.”

He was cross-legged on the floor, dwarfing the coffee table with his massive arms. And massive everything. No matter what Prompto tried, his biceps insisted on remaining mortal-sized. There was no justice.

“If he were dating the job, wouldn’t he be dating me,” Noct mumbled to the ceiling.

“Iggy’s been dating you for seventeen years and you haven’t put out yet? Guess I oughta take back everything I ever said about you, Noct.” Gladio flicked an index card at Noct, who swatted it out of his face. “You’re a stronger man than I am.”

“Okay, okay,” Prompto cut in before they could start play-fighting less playfully. “So we’re down to my list and the big guy’s. What’re we looking at?”

Still grinning at Noct, Gladio levered his mountainous body half-over the table to reach towards Prompto with his cards. “Show me yours and I’ll show you mine.”

“Deal.” Prompto tossed him the folded-up pages he’d torn out of a high school notebook and took the index cards, then snorted when Noct poked his knee and handed him half. “There you go, buddy, you’re part of the team, too.”

“Prompto,” said Gladio after unfolding his list. “This is a list of celebrities from TV.”

“I only picked the ones that seem nice!”

Noct’s eyes were narrowing by the second. “Are these phone numbers?”

“Yeah,” said Gladio.

“Why don’t some of them have names?”

“Don’t always catch ‘em. The place can get kinda rowdy on a Friday night.”

Prompto picked up his head. “What place?”

“This is a disaster,” said Noct, flopping backwards over the other armrest. “What are we even doing? We don’t know anyone good enough for Ignis.” Index cards scattered over his chest like lilies on the corpse of a fun idea.

“Just gonna give up on him?” asked Gladio, sitting back with his arms crossed so they looked even beefier. Noct must’ve built up immunity over the years, because he rolled his eyes, unimpressed.

“Like he’d want us messing with his private life anyway.”

“He doesn’t _have_ a private life, Noct, that’s the point.”

“But none of us know anyone outside the Citadel—”

“Bullshit, I go out.”

“—who’d meet his standards,” Noct finished, daring Gladio to argue.

Prompto counted three seconds before Gladio relented. “All right. Fair.”

“It must be so nice to get to have standards,” he sighed wistfully, drooping backwards once more. Noct bumped his knuckles sympathetically against his leg and he smiled. “Aw, thanks, dude.”

Gladio’s arms were still crossed as he frowned down. A lesser coffee table would have fled in mortal terror. “Where the hell we gonna find someone on Iggy’s level?”

“In our dreams, maybe,” said Noctis, sinking back into the cushions. “Not in some Kingsglaive dive bar.” He raised his hands in time to catch the shirt Gladio threw at him and tossed it past Prompto’s head to the floor. “Guys, come on. The guy good enough for Iggy? Doesn’t exist. And he definitely doesn’t exist outside the Citadel.”

Huh. …Hmm.

As Gladio started to grumble some noise that sounded like disagreement without offering any of its substance, Prompto let himself go still, then sat up, eyes open. “Hey,” he said, and Noct lifted his head. Gladio turned his way. He twisted around upright so his feet were on the floor and his hands on the edge of his seat, grinning wide enough to feel it.

“Why don’t _we_ date Ignis?”

Crickets. Only not really, since it was Noct’s apartment and Ignis would never let crickets exist within a mile of it. Later, Prompto would pretend there were crickets. Right now he only had silence and Noct and Gladio staring at him.

“Uh,” Noct started carefully. “All three of us?”

“Sorta defeats the purpose of not dating his job,” noted Gladio.

Prompto threw his hands up and waved them, shaking his head. “No, no no no no, that’s not what I meant!” Still grinning, he bounced forward again, lowered his voice, and held his hands parallel. “Okay, so the idea’s just to get Iggy’s mind off work, right? Get him to chill out, have fun with someone totally unrelated?”

“Yeah,” Gladio agreed in a wary rumble.

“It’s not to get him to, like, actually fall in love or anything,” Prompto continued, almost vibrating with the genius of his idea. “We just want him to have a good time! Or a lot of good times, if it goes okay!”

“I… guess?” said Noct, sitting up now, looking unsure.

With a hoot, Prompto jumped up. “So why does this person _have_ to exist?” He whirled, snapped his fingers, and pointed to both of them. “We can do that! We know how to have a good time, _and_ we know Iggy! We can make sure everything we do is stuff he likes, no problem!”

“Uh, problem.” Noct pointed, too, between himself and Gladio. “Iggy can’t date us. There’s, like. Ethics?”

“Speak for yourself,” said Gladio. “He ain’t on _my_ payroll.”

Prompto threw himself onto his knees between the coffee table and the couch, hooked one arm around Noct and brought him in close, squishing him against his own thighs, and grabbed Gladio’s magnificent, meaty man-arm with the other.

“Guys,” he said gleefully, just above a whisper, “Three words. Fake. Dating site. Account.”

It was four words, but nobody called him out on it.

\---

“Iggy,” Gladio called out the next day, jogging lazily towards him outside the Crownsguard training halls.

“Gladio. Good morning.” Ignis smiled, though he was hot and sweaty and already calculating how much shower time he was about to lose in small talk. He’d have to be brisk if he wanted enough time to do his hair.

Surprisingly, Gladio didn’t start in right away on the latest from the ranks of the Kingsglaive. He slung an arm around Ignis’s shoulders and steered him slightly away, leaning in close enough to share a secret.

“Here,” he murmured, smirking as he slipped a, well, _slip_ of paper into Ignis’s hand. “For you.”

Ignis gave him a look, but he couldn’t divine anything from Gladio’s expression except that, whatever this was, he expected it to be a great deal of fun. For Gladio. At perhaps Ignis’s expense. “My… thanks, Gladio. What exactly is it, besides ‘for me’?”

Despite his better judgment, he was already opening the paper. It had two numbers on it—neither a phone number, too many digits, though they seemed at a glance to be of a kind though one was on the upper half and the other towards the bottom—one word at the top, a few lines of text in the middle, and a single, short word at the end.

The word at the top of the paper was _eAmity._

The three lines underneath contained one of the two strings of numbers—an account number, Ignis guessed—and below it _UN: ignision_key_ and _PW: r3gaLi@lia._

“Heard your folks were giving you some crap about your work-life balance,” said Gladio as horror slowly dawned. “The guys and I did a little research. Think maybe this’ll help.”

“eAmity is a _dating application.”_

“Sure is,” Gladio agreed, the devil.

A crease through the middle of the slip separated that information from the second number—another account—and, oh, blast them all, they’d already calculated the match percentage. Someone had written and circled _98.5%_ in familiar, neat pen.

Ignis was cooking Noct nothing but vegetables for a week.

“You created a dating profile for me, without my permission, and populated it with enough information to find me a _match?”_

“Noct mostly took care of that shit,” said Gladio. “I handled the interactions for you, screened out the no-goes. You’re welcome.”

Nothing but vegetables for a _month._ And he was going to do something unpleasant to Gladio’s laundry next chance he had.

Utterly exhausted at only the beginning of his day, Ignis asked, “And what did Prompto do.”

“Pictures.”

“Ah.” Ignis closed his eyes and tallied the pros and cons of murder.

Gladio slapped his back. His grin was entirely inappropriate and, of course, not going anywhere any time soon. “Don’t worry, he found some nice stock shit. Free to use. Nothing’s gonna lead back to Ignis Scientia, promise.”

“Indeed. Because you—” Ignis slapped the paper primly and furiously against Gladio’s chest, “—will be deleting this account and everything associated with it. The email you three used to set it up, the photographs—everything.”

“Iggy—”

“Need I tell you what a gross breach of boundaries this is, whether or not my personal information is at risk? And worse, what would happen should this ever come to light, for someone in my position? I might expect this sort of foolishness from Prompto, of all people, but you _and_ Noct? No.” Ignis shook his head, cutting off Gladio’s attempts to explain, and pushed harder. He wasn’t angry, not yet, but he was certainly… vexed. “No, I won’t have it, and you’ll apologize to whoever it is you’ve chosen to _chat up_ in my name, leading them on when you know very well that I—”

“Iggy, hold on.”

Gladio had the gall to catch his wrist, move his hand off his chest. Ignis glared up at him and he let go with his hands up, but, to his great annoyance, he didn’t back down. “We didn’t lead anybody on. These guys we talked to, I told them we were your friends just checking things out for you.”

“I’m sure they were as charmed as I am,” said Ignis, icy as the Empire’s roof.

“Yeah, well.” As if that were a retort, Gladio moved on. “We even told them you weren’t actually looking. That we were just finding you a fake boyfriend to get your family off your back.”

That was bizarre enough to stun Ignis into silence. Even after a moment, all he could manage to say was, “Beg pardon?”

Gladio shrugged and retrieved the slip of paper from the floor. “This guy seemed to get a kick out of that. Said he wouldn’t mind playing along for a while.” He offered it to Ignis once more. “If you want, anyway.”

Still off-balance, Ignis took the paper automatically, staring at Gladio.

“Can’t hurt to just talk to the guy. Might surprise you, meeting someone new once in a while. Get some perspective,” his oldest friend said before he turned, waved over his shoulder, and headed off for his own training regime. “Later, Iggy. Still want your account deleted later, let me know.”

Ignis didn’t speak until he was gone. “What,” he asked himself softly, “possessed them to think this was in any way a good idea?” Another moment passed, and he added, “Ah, damn, my shower.”

He walked briskly off, but the paper remained in his hand, unfolded.

The word at the bottom of the page, in quotation marks and triple-underlined, was _“ Pax.”_


	3. You're the Wind Beneath My Wingmen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For all the overthinking he does, Ignis sure can heck up.

Ignis woke the morning after a distracted day’s work to find that eAmity user _ignision_key_ still, to his weariness and great unsurprise, existed. That was too much to handle at five A.M. on zero cups of coffee, so he shoved his phone under his pillow, groaned into the welcome privacy of his quarters, and pretended, for just a moment, that he might consider going back to sleep. He had so much to do. Five more minutes of rest couldn’t hurt before he started. A man needed his strength.

He maintained the pretense for about a second. Then, casting off the veneer of excuse, he sat up and conquered the day. After all, nothing to come—even with Niflheim’s growing aggression—could possibly be more difficult than extricating himself from his warm, perfect bed. He’d already done the hardest task first. It was the best way; after that, everything easier would follow.

That was why only after caffeinating himself, washing up, updating himself on the latest from Galahd, putting another attempt (#132, according to his notes) at those elusive Tenebraen pastries in the oven, and fastidiously gelling his hair into place did Ignis sit down with his phone, the support numbers for eAmity—just in case—and Gladio’s offensive slip of paper. It was that low a priority. A trifle to dismiss before setting out.

_Pax ,_ he read again, with the man’s account number above it. A 98.5% match.

The concept was ludicrous to start with. As if computers and algorithms could take in simple multiple-choice answers, digest them in some arcane, technological fashion, and spit out an answer to something as complex as emotional compatibility. Ignis knew from experience how irrational—and often irritating—human interaction could be. There was so much more to consider than interests and lifestyle choices. Communication, for one. Something impossible over so limited and limit _ing_ a medium as a phone app.

Never mind that all communication so far had come from the others. Ignis closed his eyes, sighed, and reminded himself that he liked them, all of them, and that he’d miss them if they were to mysteriously vanish into the Insomnian sewer system, on which he’d written a meticulous report last month and whose workings were not particularly mysterious. Not to him.

No, the three of them meant well. None of this was malicious, it was just… annoying. And carefully deleting all trace of their foolishness on eAmity would be just one more annoyance in the long list of bother Ignis had to deal with. Nothing new. Nothing even particularly challenging.

But it would have to come after, he thought ruefully to himself, apologizing to this “Pax” character and cutting all misunderstandings off at the pass.

That was the sticking point, perhaps. Ignis thought he could let the man down without much hurting his feelings, if he’d agreed so lightly in the first place. But it wasn’t in his character to enjoy disappointing someone, even in a situation this ridiculous, and he might have been putting off the trouble. Moreover, the way Gladio had phrased it—

_“Might surprise you, talking to someone new once in a while. Get some perspective.”_

As if Ignis were, in any way, _lacking_ perspective. As if he meant this to be a challenge. If he’d worded it any more strongly, if he’d leaned on the dare, Ignis would have noticed, of course, and dismissed it out of hand. But if it was a challenge, it was a subtle one, and the inability to judge Gladio’s intent with certainty was—well, it was another unnecessary nuisance, wasn’t it?

“No, I’ll have to have done with it,” Ignis told himself firmly and checked the time. Just before seven. Few Insomnians would be up at this hour; he could write up a thorough reasoning for declining the… _romantic deception_ his friends had so thoughtfully prepared, deliver it via eAmity’s chat function, and have his profile deleted before “Pax” would see a word.

That was the way to do it. Clear, efficient, and clean. One more item ticked off his list and then he could go on with his day.

With that thought in mind and a fresh mug of coffee to bolster himself, Ignis stomached logging in.

_Ignis,_ said his profile, and, well, that was survivable. Plenty of men with the name in Insomnia. _Male, 22,_ it continued, and he clicked his tongue in disapproval—he’d have to have words with Noct and Gladio about sharing the most innocuous-seeming identifying information—and read, below it:

_**Five words to describe me:** Brave, loyal, intelligent, talented, fun._

Five words, and they brought him up short. _Intelligent_ was no surprise, but _brave? Fun?_

Were they describing him?

Pure surprise turned to something more incredulous, then mystified. Then, of all things, warm. He felt the way he had one day in front of the Crownsguard, aware of Gladio’s approving confidence at his back as he sailed through his practical exam. He imagined Prompto’s laughter in his ear, urging him to _lighten up, I know you have it in you, Igster!_ Knew the faint curve of Noct’s smile like it was engraved in him, a gift of the very few, very precious moments they had to relax, to relish the years of each other’s company.

They _did_ mean well, his three most important friends. They didn’t set this fake relationship up just to tease him. If the attempt was misguided—and it still bloody well was—it had its heart in the right place.

How much effort, Ignis had to wonder, did they put in to find him a 98.5% match?

He pulled up the messages. Only one conversation was marked active. He opened it and scrolled a little ways up. It seemed Gladio or Noct really had gone out of their way to screen his gentlemen callers, for the conversation was a long one. He read only the end.

**piece_by_any_name** _[10:40pm]_  
Wow. You really think he’s great, huh?  
**ignision_key** _[10:40pm]_  
He’s the best 

Gladio, that. 

**ignision_key** _[10:41pm]_  
Seriously, no pressure. He probably won’t go along with this anyway  
 **ignision_key** _[10:41pm]_  
We just think he deserves a chance, you know?  
 **ignision_key** _[10:41pm]_  
It’s a weird request, but he’s worth it, promise. Great guy to talk to, romantically or not. Makes you feel like king of the world when someone like that thinks you’re worth something  
 **ignision_key** _[10:43pm]_  
Yo, Pax? I scare you off?  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:47pm]_  
Sorry, went to brush my teeth.  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:47pm]_  
Yeah, it’s weird.  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:48pm]_  
But no one said online dating was ever not going to be weird, right?  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:48pm]_  
It sounds kind of fun. If he wants to try it, I’m game. And if he just wants to talk that’s fine. It’s not like I’m not interested in making new friends!  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:49pm]_  
Just tell him all he has to do is message me and I’ll get back ASAP, okay?  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:49pm]_  
After all, what kind of fake boyfriend would I be if I didn’t answer my faux beau on time, huh?  
 **ignision_key** _[10:49pm]_  
Hahahaha. Sure, I’ll let him know  
 **ignision_key** _[10:49pm]_  
Good luck. He’s a catch ;)  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:50pm]_  
Seems like you guys might be, too, doing all this for a friend. And he must be something for you all to do this for him.  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[10:50pm]_  
Good luck yourself, because I think I’d like to meet him. Keep me posted!

Gladio, Ignis suddenly realized, had been itching to wingman him for nigh on seventeen years. “Glacian’s mercy,” he prayed for himself, but his exasperation was beginning to lose to his fondness.

_Pax. Male, 21._ A little younger than him, then—ah, yes. _Student,_ though the profile didn’t say what it was he studied. eAmity kept profiles brief and details sparse for a more mobile-friendly service. And, most likely, a less attentive audience.

_**Five words to describe me:** Funny, kind, easygoing, good listener._

Part of Ignis wanted to dock points for the missing hyphen in _easy-going,_ but perhaps that just went to show how easy-going he wasn’t. What about this nondescript young man could possibly be such a high match for him?

No, no. Best not to wonder. Charmed as he was by Gladio and company’s efforts on his part—and their palpable sincerity—he was putting a kibosh on it before it turned any more farcical. He navigated back to the conversation tab and began to compose his answer.

**ignision_key** _[6:54am]_  
Mr. Pax,  
This is Ignis, this time. My apologies, but I must decline what I’ve no doubt would be the pleasure of your acquaintance at this venture. My friends created this account with neither my foreknowledge nor my consent, and had they sought either beforehand, I would have let them know I haven’t the time to engage even in these “faux”-mantic endeavors.  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[6:54am]_  
No worries! I figured.  
 **ignision_key** _[6:54am]_  
Ilk,j  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[6:54am]_  
Good luck with work, it sounds like a triple handful.  
 **piece_by_any_name** _[6:55am]_  
…You okay there?

Ignis downed the rest of his coffee in a blinding flash and cursed whichever of the Six guarded morning people. Probably the Infernian. He ought to have started this before the pastries after all. His day was about to get that much harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been dogsitting my grandmother's puppy, and it's amazing what a huge chunk of hours that takes up. Haven't been able to get my 1K words a day written at all, but let's move this baby along, shall we?


	4. It Would "Be-hoof" You to Behave, Bambino

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eAmity users ignision_key and piece_by_any_name have their first direct exchange. Things are said that can never be... un-"herd."

Prompto returned from his morning run—afternoons were now reserved for hanging with Noct—just in time for his phone to chime an unfamiliar, jingling note. His sports bottle left him to dig one-handed for it in his pocket, but when he took it out and saw the notification—

 **eAmity:** You have 1 new message waiting for you!  
_ignision_key: Mr. Pax, This is Ignis, th…_

—he spat enhanced water straight down the front of his tank and squealed like a stuck garulet. Running on pure terror and anticipation, Prompto shot off an answer having barely read Ignis’s message and catapulted from the kitchen into his room. He slammed the power button to his computer and danced in place, clutching his phone like it might break loose and scarper.

 **ignision_key** _[6:54am]_  
Mr. Pax,  
This is Ignis, this time. My apologies, but I must decline what I’ve no doubt would be the pleasure of your acquaintance at this venture. My friends created this account with neither my foreknowledge nor my consent, and had they sought either beforehand, I would have let them know I haven’t the time to engage even in these “faux”-mantic endeavors.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:54am]_  
No worries! I figured.  
**ignision_key** _[6:54am]_  
Ilk,j  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:54am]_  
Good luck with work, it sounds like a triple handful.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:55am]_  
…You okay there?  
**ignision_key** _[6:55am]_  
Yes, I’m fine. Good morning.

Poor Iggy. Prompto wondered if he’d had his coffee yet. A flick of his thumb up and he refreshed himself on Pax’s last few messages. Right, that was when he’d taken over for Noct right before bed. He tried to remind himself of the rules. The guidelines.

Except they were online, and he needed them on his computer screen so he could see them while he typed on his phone. Crap.

“Hurry _up!”_ he whined at the computer as he threw himself into his rolling chair.

 **piece_by_any_name** _[6:55am]_  
Heh, morning.  
**ignision_key** _[6:56am]_  
I admit, I didn’t expect you “here,” so to speak, so early. Morning classes?  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:56am]_  
Yeah, unfortunately.

Wait, augh, was that on the fact sheet they drew up? Prompto hummed a dismayed tune, but Ignis was typing. In the meantime, he could tab quickly over to the group chat.

 **NoctsBetterButt:** guys! it’s happeninnnggg!!!! ╰(✧∇✧╰)╰(✧∇✧╰)╰(✧∇✧╰)  
**NoctsBetterButt:** HEY WHO CHANGED MY NAME??!!?

His top was starting to dry, gross and sticky, to his skin, so he yanked it over his head from the back just as his phone chimed again, teedle- _teep_ -woo.

 **ignision_key** _[6:57am]_  
Then I’ll endeavor not to take up much of your time. I was hoping to get this out of the way quickly, myself.  
**ignision_key** _[6:57am]_  
Understand that neither I nor my friends mean to injure your feelings in any way. They may be overly enthusiastic, but they really do have the best intentions at heart. Unfortunately, they can overstep, and, obviously, they overstepped here.

Aw, now Prompto’s heart was starting to sink. Was Iggy really so unhappy with the idea? There’d never been a big chance he’d go for it, Prompto knew that much, but he hadn’t foreseen Ignis being so… harsh.

 **ignision_key** _[6:58am]_  
Please don’t think unkindly of them. For as long as I can remember, they’ve been my dearest friends.

Just like that, his chest felt three times as full. Even if that sentiment could only be true for Noct and Gladio, it was real. Ignis was never anything but real.

 **piece_by_any_name** _[6:58am]_  
Don’t worry, I’m not mad. Not at you or any of your friends.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:58am]_  
They did warn me not to get my hopes up, and you’re letting me down very gently. It’s like I’m being lowered into a soft, cottony pillow pile of not having my feelings hurt.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[6:58am]_  
I am kind of sorry, though. I mean, that we’re not going to get a chance to try.

He waited for a while, but there was no answer. Which sucked, because he’d finally gotten his computer up and running. Figuring Ignis had already started deleting all their hard work, Prompto put his phone down to collect his discarded jogging shirt.

Teedle- _teep_ -woo. He snapped back to attention.

 **ignision_key** _[7:00am]_  
May I ask why?

Oh, man. Prompto hesitated and started to reach for his mouse to open his MoogleDocs, but—come on. He knew Iggy. And if this is where it was going to end, he wanted to leave it on a high note.

 **piece_by_any_name** _[7:01am]_  
These “deer” friends of yours are clearly pretty “fawn-d” of you, and I was sort of hoping to take a “stag” at capturing your “hart.”  
**piece_by_any_name** _[7:05am]_  
...Too much?  
**ignision_key** _[7:06am]_  
No, I simply find myself...  
**ignision_key** _[7:06am]_  
“Awes-buck,”  
**ignision_key** _[7:07am]_  
By your creativity on the spur of the moment. I believe I’ve been quite “out-doe-n,” in fact. It’s not like me to fall be- _hind_ in a contest of puns.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[7:07am]_  
Well, necessity is the mother of “in-venison!”  
**ignision_key** _[7:07am]_  
Well-played.

Prompto chuckled, relaxing into his seat.

 **piece_by_any_name** _[7:08am]_  
It was nice to meet you anyway. Good luck finding love... or whatever else it is you need out there in this crazy world.  
**ignision_key** _[7:08am]_  
My thanks. The same to you, Mr. Pax.

And nothing after that. “Welp. Guess that’s the end of that.” Rising once more, Prompto stretched his arms behind his back and rolled his neck. “But I think at least he had fun this morning. That’s good for something, right?”

His calendar and alarm clock, his hastily made bed, his dirty laundry made no reply.

But his phone did. Teedle- _teep_ -woo.

 **ignision_key** _[7:10am]_  
I meant everything I said in my earlier missive. My lifestyle doesn’t leave much room for romance, and certainly not now, in these delicate times for our “crazy world,” as you put it.  
**ignision_key** _[7:10am]_  
Yet...

Breathing was no longer happening. Prompto didn’t dare.

 **ignision_key** _[7:11am]_  
Let’s say I’m “antlerested,” shall we?

Oh. Em. Gee.

 **ignision_key** _[7:11am]_  
Let’s both take some time to think it over. I’ve my work to get to this morning, in any case, and you’ve your morning classes, correct?  
**ignision_key** _[7:11am]_  
I suppose I needn’t make a decision in undue haste. At the very least, it won’t kill me to get to know you.  
**ignision_key** _[7:12am]_  
In the meantime, I hope you’re proud of yourself, utterly derailing my plans to do away with this account before braving the morning traffic.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[7:12am]_  
Don’t you mean “deer-railing?”  
**ignision_key** _[7:12]_  
Ah, don’t be cheeky, even if it is terribly “a-moose-ing.”  
**ignision_key** _[7:13]_  
Might I contact you at a later time?  
**ignision_key** _[7:13]_  
Today, that is. After work. This evening?

It was happening. It was really, honestly happening.

 **piece_by_any_name** _[7:14am]_  
Absolutely.  
**piece_by_any_name** _[7:14am]_  
I’ll be waiting on tenterhooks!  
**ignision_key** _[7:14am]_  
Later, then.  
**ignision_key** _[7:15am]_  
I look forward to having “herd” from you once more.

And the green light by his name went grey as Ignis signed off.

\---

**NoctsBetterButt:** ;ASDKFLLL;EEK  
 **NoctsBetterButt:** LLWEKEPOETOIT2KSKLSD!!!1;1;1  
 **NoctsBetterButt:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL;L;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;LLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!  
 **NoctsBetterButt:** omg i have to go but ttygl!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa!!@  
 **RespectThePecs:** Whoa  
 **RespectThePecs:** Alright there Prompto  
 **RespectThePecs:** Oh damn, it worked? Nice!  
 **RespectThePecs:** I’ll make sure Noct hears when he shows up for training. You hear that, Noct? WHEN, not IF

\---

**fisherprince:** dude y were u trying to reach any1 at 7 am?  
 **fisherprince:** zzz  
 **fisherprince:** z  
 **fisherprince:** .

// **fisherprince** cleared chat history.//


End file.
